Contagious Emotions: Understanding How Emotions are Transferred Can Seriously Improve Your Relationships
Induced feelings - what are they? Why do certain people tend to make us feel crazy...or jealous...or rejected? How we feel when we are in the presence of a particular person may be important information about both that person and our own self. And, if we can leverage this information, we have the potential to gain a better understanding of our loved ones and how our relationships operate!
Emotions and emotional states are contagious. We are giving and taking emotions all the time, through nonverbal communication and through our behaviors. I am going to call this phenomenon of giving-and-taking feelings “induced feelings” because they are precisely that: feelings that we induce, or give rise to, in others. Induced feelings are simply a part of relational life!
We unconsciously (aka it happens and we are not even aware of it) transfer our emotions to one another often for the purpose of finding emotional balance and getting rid of emotions that don’t feel good to us. The strategy looks like this -- if I am feeling a certain kind of way that I do not like, I will find a way to get rid of that emotion and have someone else feel it for me -- and the way I might do that is by behaving in a way that transfers that emotion to them.
Here is how this might happen, without our even realizing it:
If I am feeling really insecure about how intelligent I am and I hate that feeling, I might actually behave in way that makes someone else feel insecure about their intelligence, possibly by talking condescendingly or like a know-it-all, thereby giving them that insecure emotion and sort of taking if off my hands. I’m not the insecure one, you are!!
It is crucial to remember that emotions have functions! Emotions exist to give us information! Information about ourselves and the situations we are in; information about the people in our lives. When we can slow down enough to feel an emotion and then ask ourselves, “What is this emotion telling me? about myself? about the person I’m reacting to?” we benefit from a goldmine of wisdom that can help us see situations more clearly and then make decisions about how to respond skillfully.
The risk of remaining unaware of emotional induction is that it can seriously harm your dynamic with someone you love. If we are not aware, when we are induced with a feeling that is super overwhelming or we absolutely hate, we might react explosively or in a way that does not promote health in the relationship, as we try to give the feeling back to our partner to get rid of it ourselves. Do you seem to have the same sort of fight over and over again in your relationship? In which the same emotions are triggered and you find yourself and your partner saying the same thing over and over again, reacting the same way over and over again? It is super likely emotional induction is at play here.
In order to get clearer about how emotional induction might be impacting your relationships, try the following:
Right now, think of an unpleasant feeling that arises sometimes or often in your intimate relationship. Ponder these questions:
Where is this feeling coming from? What are the behaviors or words that occur in our interactions that contribute to me experiencing this feeling?
Is this a familiar feeling for me? Do I experience this feeling often? Or, is this unusual for me?
If it is an experience and feeling that is familiar and old, this feeling likely comes from your past, your old relationships, and is originating in you.
Is there a way in which I might be trying to transfer this feeling to my partner in order to get rid of it myself? How might I be acting or speaking to accomplish this?
If this is not a familiar feeling for me, is this an emotion that my partner has experienced in their life? Just let your mind contemplate how this might have occurred in your partner's history. Could it be that this is an old feeling that my partner has experienced, can’t tolerate, and needs to discharge?
Once you have even a vague idea about how this feeling gets triggered in your relationship and where it might be originating, the next time this dynamic arises, try the following:
When you notice the feeling or the pattern happening, STOP! Do not get caught in a familiar pattern of tension or fighting or ruminating in thought about it. STOP completely, and if you are with another person, take a time out (move to another room, indicating that you are taking a few minutes to calm yourself, and then you can re-engage).
Notice the feeling in your body and label it. Is it rejection? Is it fear? Irritation?
Notice all the sensations in your body that make up this feeling. Tightness in the chest? Pounding heart?
Ask yourself, what is so uncomfortable for me about this feeling? What do I hate about it?
Ponder the above questions again. Where is this feeling coming from? Is it old for me? Is it old for my partner?
Whatever comes up, offer some compassion for yourself and this experience. Say to yourself, “Yes, this is a feeling that is uncomfortable; this is a dynamic that is old and painful for me.”
Regulate your nervous system in whatever way works for you. This can be through some deep breaths, a few sun salutations, a quick walk around the block, a relaxing bath, or listening to calming music.
When you feel regulated, check in with your partner? Are they regulated?
If yes, perhaps you can share some of what came up for you in this contemplation. You might ask your partner how they feel about the uncomfortable feelings that get triggered in them, and where it comes from. (You partner may or may not be able to go there with you right now, and that is ok.) Brainstorm together some ideas about how to collaboratively diffuse this pattern.
Emotional induction is a powerful universal phenomenon that affects us all the time. Bringing some awareness, curiosity and compassion to how emotions are contagious in your relationships has the potential to supremely benefit you, your loved ones, and your relational health.