In-Laws: I feel like I’m on the outside
In-law relationships by nature are complicated. Even in the most amazing in-law relationships, confusion about family roles, alliances, and decision-making can be present. It can be most confusing, in fact, when you love your in-laws, when they are supportive, yet there is still a feeling of unspoken tension about who is aligned with whom and who has power in the family.
Family systems, by their nature, drive towards homeostasis. This is a fancy way to say that families naturally have a tendency to maintain the same dynamics, year after year, even if the dynamics are unhealthy, and even if there is a new factor in the family - like a new family member due to marriage! This can be totally unconscious, aka outside of a person’s awareness.
If your partner is close with their family, or is not emotionally close but is in some way locked in a dynamic with them, they may be unconsciously conflicted about the natural and necessary process of moving their loyalty away from their family and toward you. This does not mean that your partner doesn’t love you, or that they feel unsure about your relationship. Read that sentence again. This may instead be a natural (albeit painful) part of their transition from their family of origin to a new family with you. This can take time, as well as intentional and empathic conversation.
In a parallel process, your partner’s parents and siblings may also feel a sense of loss or anger that their family member is moving away from them. This also doesn’t mean that they don’t like you and won’t ever accept you, but may just be a part of their natural processing of this major transition.
It’s totally normal to feel like an outsider for some time, and that can be super hard to tolerate. However, with patience, mindfulness, and intentionality, it’s possible to actually use this time to learn about your partner and their family, and build a solid and cooperative alliance with all of them. Here are some tips for working with this process:
The absolute worst thing you can do is to force your partner in an awkward position between you and their family, to make them feel like they have to choose between you and them. When in-laws act out their feelings by excluding you, not consulting with you, condescending to you, etc., I sometimes think of these behaviors as an unconscious setup to provoke you into reacting, by demanding that your partner defend you and align with you against them. This is not helpful. At all. Instead, when this happens, slow down your reaction, and get curious about the unconscious processes operating here. How do you understand these behaviors?
Next, get skillful, NOT reactive. It’s highly possible that your fiance/partner is not aware of their own conflicts about this process, nor their family’s, and they may be very defended against knowing about it. Don’t push too hard, as it’s likely to have the opposite effect that you intend. Instead, say things like, “You know, I would just really love to be involved in those decisions! I just really want to be a part of this family! Is that something we can work on together?” Rather than, “I’m being left out on purpose! They hate me! You’re not defending me!” etc. You make these comments to your partner and their family members. Don’t wait for your partner to be your advocate in their family. Be your own advocate.
Let your partner know how this dynamic impacts you - again, skillfully. This might sound like, “I understand this decision was made together with your mom. I feel sad that my voice isn’t included in these conversations, and I’m wondering if you can consider my opinions moving forward? I really want to be a part of this family, and including me like this would really help that. Do you think that’s possible?” Avoid attacking or blaming.
Get proactive! I recommend that all couples schedule weekly check-ins to discuss how the relationship is feeling and nip any issues in the bud. One topic you can bring up in this discussion is how you are doing moving from “me to we.” Moving from “me to we” is the transition from making decisions based on one’s own individual interests to considering every decision primarily from the perspective of the couple as a unit. This perspective shift is a wonderful technique to create safety and security in the relationship. Introduce this concept to your partner, the rationale behind it, and make the request that you each begin to implement it. When relevant, you can skillfully broach how family decisions are and/or are not being made from the perspective of “we.”
Finally, allow yourself to feel whatever frustration or sadness you’re feeling about this. Ask yourself what the emotion is signaling to you about the situation. Also ask yourself if this emotion could actually be someone else’s (like your parent’s mom), since feelings are contagious. You might learn a lot about their family dynamic simply by studying the feelings that you experience when you interact with them. (Here’s a quick example: one of my clients felt rageful, hateful feelings whenever interacting with her fiance’s mother. These rageful, hateful feelings are not at all typical for the client. Through studying her feelings, she came to see that they were indeed not her own, but were instead the mother’s feelings being projected into her. This sounds mystical but indeed is happening all the time.) Your main task is to learn to tolerate the intense and uncomfortable feelings without acting on them in ways that may actually sabotage your efforts to be included. Be patient. This process changes decades-old family patterns and, as such, can be fraught with difficulty. You will get through it!