Regression During Wedding Planning: Here's Why We Revert to Old, Weird Versions Of Ourselves
If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed (and felt embarrassed) that you seem to be acting or feeling like the 14-year-old version of you since your engagement. Or, maybe it’s the 10-year-old you, or 18-year-old you, or even 21-year-old you. Maybe you’re a little more petulant, or sensitive, than you usually are these days. Maybe some old familiar coping strategies are reemerging, ones that you’ve long traded for more functional ones. As if all the work you’ve done and growth you’ve achieved in the intervening decade (or so) has suddenly vanished.
For me, this looked like reverting to using old defense mechanisms that I developed as a kid and employed until my mid-20s -- coping strategies which definitely did not contribute to me living my best life: pushing people away and steadfastly (aka stubbornly) insisting on doing everything myself, pretending everything is fine, and then secretly resenting people for not being there for me and having to do it all alone. Oh yes, the classic help-rejecting-complainer masquerading as an independent woman. Despite the years I’ve spent in therapy becoming aware of this pattern, understanding it and working to dismantle it, it was quite automatically reinstalled into the operating system of my mind as soon as I began wedding planning - and this happened so fast, I didn’t even realize it was happening until I was deeply in the throes of the old, familiar agony this pattern causes.
Why do so many of us revert back to old versions of ourselves during the period of wedding planning? This period in which we are meant to be only experiencing pure joy and be the best, most bridal versions of ourselves. I’ll rely on one of the things I say over and over again about this process: There are powerful forces at play in your mind, in your psyche, in your body, which are activated during the wedding planning and engagement period. These forces are so powerful, in fact, that they can cause even the most stable among us to regress.
What does it mean to “regress” exactly? Regression entails a return to a former, less developed state. During times of instability, stress or change, we all regress to a more primitive, less mature version of ourselves. Even when those changes are mostly positive and exciting, this is still the case! During times of stress or change, including awesome changes that we’ve chosen, our psyches depend on our older, tried-and-true coping mechanisms to get us through, even when we’ve developed perhaps more sophisticated or functional coping mechanisms. Suddenly, those seem slightly out of reach, or maybe leave your mind as options entirely. And, because this process of planning a wedding and joining your life with another’s is simply so loaded with change and potential stress, you can pretty much plan for your old stuff to get triggered over and over again-- old feelings, old ways of behaving, and old strategies to get our needs met. This is totally normal. That said, while it’s normal, it might not be the most helpful or pleasant way to be during this time. So, what are your other options?
Although regressing is often unconscious (aka we don’t do it intentionally, nor do we always realize it’s happening), it is totally possible to intentionally call upon your more evolved adult mind and invite it out to play. But, there are a few preconditions for that. Because regression often happens because the strong feelings that are coming up during a time of stress are unpleasant or unacceptable, it’s imperative that you create space for those feelings. Here are some tips for honoring your regressed self and inviting the more mature you to take back some control:
When your regressed self shows up, cultivate an attitude of unconditional curiosity and love for that little you. Remember that those old feelings and behaviors are representative of the absolute best you were doing given the situation in which those old strategies were developed. Compassion, compassion, compassion.
From that place of curiosity, wonder to yourself: what are the unpleasant or unacceptable feelings I might be having a hard time dealing with? These may be feelings that are deeply disturbing, and/or not allowed in your family of origin, and thus way underground. (For example, ambivalence about the marriage, anger at your soon-to-be in-laws, etc.) As a result, it may be difficult to feel into them. That’s ok. Simply make room for curiosity and opening.
Ground and soothe yourself. Intentionally make time for regular practices that calm your nervous system - yoga, meditation, journaling, or any stress reduction techniques you like.
Locate a sense of stability and security within yourself. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, and you do indeed have everything you need inside of you to cope with whatever this process throws your way.