The Birth of Samara

I've always known that I would like to try to have an unmedicated birth - long before I was even close to becoming a mother. There was something enticing about feeling the whole experience, understanding the power and the pain of this mind-boggling feat that is producing human life that is the birthright of a woman, that seemed like something I wanted to know quite intimately. I prepared and hoped for this outcome for the birth of my first baby in 2021 with hypnobirthing and much mental preparation, but I unexpectedly had an induction that I was not able to work through without an epidural. I did not like the experience of the epidural, which left me numb, disconnected and dissociated from that birth. This experience only bolstered my desire experience birth without medication. Throughout this pregnancy, I focused on preparing myself both mentally and physically to have this empowered birth - but I was much less fixated on it than I was in my previous pregnancy. While it was a goal, I chose not to obsess, understanding now that I have to surrender to the powerful force of childbirth and obsessing would do no good. So I prepared what I could through hypnobirthing and an exercise and mobility regimen that would prepare my body and mind for the task.

On the morning of Wednesday, March 27 (my nephew and godson's birthday!), I woke up with some new discomfort in my lower belly - akin to menstrual cramps but definitely a new sensation for me. I was doubtful that this was a sign of real early labor as it was two weeks before my due date - plus I had never experienced a spontaneous birth before, so I did not know what this would feel like! Over the course of several hours, the intensity of this sensation increased, and I was shocked that by early afternoon these sensations had developed into regular, time-able contractions. Before I knew it, these surges were 4 minutes apart, and we rushed to the hospital, leaving our son with my mom who coincidentally was visiting us! Of course, in the car on the way to the hospital, I blasted Charli XCX and car-danced the entire way, pumping myself up for the journey I was embarking on and excited to meet my baby girl.

By the time we arrived at the hospital, we discovered that I was already 5 cm dilated, and we were ready to rock. I felt confident and strong. I couldn't believe that as we got settled into our delivery room, I was fully in the throes of labor, and I jumped right into the soothing bathtub, where I labored for most of the time. The pain was so intense, but I continued to feel capable. My incredible doula Madison Swann arrived and guided me into different positions and vocalization to ride out contractions and get baby into position. I felt bolstered by the gentle encouragement of my husband and the strengthening presence of a very sweet L&D nurse. I continued to dilate quite quickly and my OB arrived on the scene in her exercise clothes, having to cut her workout short because my labor was progressing so quickly. We decided to break my water and I was told the baby would come very soon thereafter. I was ready to be DONE so we pulled the trigger!

Photo by Madison Swann

Once she broke my water, I was in transition almost immediately. I had never known pain like this before. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, "HELP ME!!" and asking if she was almost here, to which my doctor replied, "not really!" At this point, I doubted I could stand another minute of this pain, but I knew there was no going back, so I just continued to push and breathe and scream and follow my doula's encouraging instructions. And, then, with one big push, she was out, and this was truly the strangest feeling I've ever experienced, fully feeling the relief as she left my womb and entered the world.

Samara, my girl, was soon on my chest. I felt so present, so connected, a universe away from the feelings of dissociation and confusion I felt during and after my first birth. I couldn't sleep that night, on a true high from the feelings of power and strength and joy that I was graced with. I continued to enjoy these feelings for weeks after the birth, and it felt much like insulation from the stress and overwhelm of the postpartum period that I’ve known in the past. If it is true that experiencing birth trauma can be a vulnerability factor in developing a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder (PMAD), it seems the converse is also true - experiencing an empowering birth unclouded by lots of interventions and modern technology can set one up for vibrant wellness in the postpartum period.

Photo by Madison Swann Photography

I know that getting to experience this truly life-changing process that put me in touch with my power in a way I've never known was due to a combination of a bit of luck and a bit of will and discipline. I am so grateful I had the courage and support to stay the course and have this birth that I instinctively knew was possible. I try to remember in moments of overwhelm and self-doubt that this power is inside of me, and I tap into this to navigate the postpartum period with more grace and patience.